Denzel Takes a Stand
The issue weighed on Denzel Bennett all day. For every hour of his shift at the Portsmouth, Ohio 7-Eleven, it scraped against his Monster-fueled brain like a penny on a scratch-off ticket, demanding the truth be revealed.
That night he popped a tall boy of Old Milwaukee and sat down at his virus-ridden COMPAQ laptop. After closing fifty-two pop-up windows advertising Man-on-Anime pornography, he logged on to Facebook. With trembling fingers, he began to type:
“I know ive kept silent on this issue but i cant no more…”
He channelled his thirty-two years of wisdom and a full pack of Camels into the statement. A few sweaty keystrokes later, he clicked “post.”
Across the nation, millions breathed a sigh of relief.
The next morning, his phone vibrated to shards from the incoming calls. Smoke rose from a tower at the Vatican as reporters clogged his driveway more tightly than a Kentucky artery.
“Like a peasant for the words of Pharaoh, I await Denzel’s judgement on every issue,” said neighbor Maude Taylor as a rabid reporter jammed a microphone into her face.
“His hot take was such straight fucking magma that I crashed through my finest fainting couch,” heavily-bandaged co-worker Esther Crabtree told the local news.
Denzel was rushed to Washington D.C. to speak before a Senate Subcommittee addressing the issue. When asked by the chairman why he felt now was an appropriate time to take such a bold stand, he adjusted his sweat-stained “No Fat Chicks” hat, deliberating carefully, before he answered.
“Under oath? I figure I did it for the likes. And if I’m being honest, I thought maybe down the road, I’d get laid from it,” he said. “But Hell, if ‘likes’ were ‘lays’ I’d be a full bag of chips by now. To tell the truth this whole ordeal just leaves a man as hollow and dry as a night with the old Dragonballs-P. As for the issue itself — ”
His statement was cut short by the Sergeant at Arms diving in for a French kiss. As the Sergeant rent Denzel’s finest Fox Racing jacket in the moment of passion, the gobsmacked senators had no choice but to frenetically masturbate to climax.
Within a month, “Denzel” became the most popular unisex name for newborns in the United States. Later that year, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for “achievements in the bare minimum.”
